Do I start today? Will I start tomorrow? I have to decide that. Will I try to be low carb when I fast? Will I try to count calories when I fast? I haven’t answered those questions for myself yet.
I think I need to analyze what has worked for me and hasn’t. With the understanding that all my diets were temporary, all lower weights were quick stops on the way to my current weight.
In the what has worked category, I think I have to place any eating or diet plan that I lost weight, or that I could follow for more than three days straight. Low bar, probably.
My first attempt at dieting? Like most people, was high school. I was skinny. Now that I look back at it. I remember being 126 and lying that I was 115. What the actual fuck. I had mono, bad, and couldn’t eat for a month. I got to like 112. My mom thought I looked awesome at that weight.
I remember eating rice to lose weight and doing a Jane Fonda tape. In college I walked and ran and ate cup a soup to try to drop pounds. But it was random, weird, and not really needed. I was, for the most part, in shape. All the way through to my first pregnancy. At Twenty-Two.
I tried this thing called the T-Factor Diet. It was low fat. You ate fat you got fat. So if you limited fat you’d lose. I didn’t. But I did eat a shit ton of Snackwells.
I had toxemia while pregnant and ballooned up to 184. I was on bedrest before the baby came. And then the baby came. I had weight to lose and no idea how to do it. I also didn’t know about nutrition. My parents idea of dinner was a bowl of breakfast cereal, or a bagel, or fast food. My mom is an anorexic, though she doesn’t admit that, she straight up is. My dad is like me. Always eating and trying not to eat.
I knew I wanted another baby, and didn’t want to start at whatever weight I was, probably in the 150s. So I joined Weight Watchers for the first time. I did well, learned a little about what the fuck a vegetable was, and lost about fifteen pounds. I also got pregnant again.
Again, I ballooned to 184. I had the baby. And six weeks later I was a bride’s maid in a wedding. I stopped eating. I dieted down to 146 pounds in that six weeks. Also, I was smoking if I was hungry. Oh, so very healthy.
I bounced around in the 140s and didn’t do much about it. It wasn’t a bad weight for me. And then one day I was 156. And that seemed bigger than I should be. I was too big and decided to diet on purpose again. Weight Watchers, Atkins, Weigh Watchers, Atkins, I was like a metronome. And in the end. Continued to hover between 140 something and 150 something. Eventually, getting down to 126 once, on Atkins, for a hot second. And then I gained. And then I was on Weight Watchers.
In 2004 I did an incredibly disciplined go round of Atkins. And I was in the 130s, which really is a nice weight for me. I feel like myself at that weight. Then I got my dream job. But the job meant that I had to get up at three-a.m.
I did the dream job. And in four years of getting less than five hours of sleep a night, I gained thirty pounds. I left the dream job, in part, because getting up that early was a nightmare, and I was 166 pounds. I hated that weight. I was embarrassed.
Now keep in mind, I’m exercising through it all. Never, for more than a week or two, do I give up movement. I was working full time and raising kids. So fuck you mother fuckers who think weight gain is about laziness or willpower. I have an iron will and ambition that could light up the sky. So let me say that again, fuck you mother fuckers who think fat is about lazy or fat is about willpower. Fight me.
At 166 I tried Weight Watchers again. I do love Weight Watchers. I love the meetings, the people, the tools they give you, everything except I can’t stick to it and only lose a little, before gaining it back.
Here’s where dieting takes some weird turns. I went on the HCG diet, I dropped the HCG drops in my mouth three or four times a day. And I stuck to 500 calories or less. Which by the way, was surprisingly easy. I was somehow able to not eat, all day, and then have dinner. Dinner was usually light-ish.
I lost weight, hallelujah! Doing HCG for about three months I got down to 144 pounds. This was good, close to that 130 promised land I had been away from.
Then I had to go back to that early morning job. I was more than twenty pounds down though, nearly in the 130s. But I had to get up early again, this time at 4 a.m. but it was now 2012. Eight years older than when I first lived without sleep.
And this time, it nearly killed me. Within one year I was back to 160. Within three years I was up to 172. I did all of the things. But none of it works when you don’t sleep enough.
Then I had a hysterectomy. Neat.
No ovaries and a fear that I’d have an even worse time with the weight. After I was given the clear by my doctor. I decided to try again.
One last time. I went paleo and started lifting heavy weights.
And it worked. I got down to 170. After SIX MONTHS of weight lifting religiously and eating strictly in the Paleo diet wheel house. I was 170. Still firmly in the overweight category. I was strong, and I lost inches, and all that.
But I stopped. The amount of work it took to stay Paleo just eventually was too much. I tried to turn it into Keto and my Thyroid doctor, oh yeah, I have Hashimoto’s disease, told me it had slowed down my already slow thyroid. So Keto was out. Keto was okay, I sort of liked it. But it was out, doctor’s orders.
So I stopped, pretty much all of it and I gained. And gained. And Weight Watchers again. And stopped. And gained.
And now I’m 190 pounds.
Here’s why I’m going to try fasting as my last-ditch diet effort.
When I did the 500 calorie HCG Diet I lost. It did work. I need something to work. When I did Keto with a little fasting, I wasn’t hungry. When did Atkins my appetite eventually felt under control. And god love the lovely ladies at Weight Watchers, but it is ALL about food. They talk about food all the time. And they eat all day. I’m pretty sure that fucks me up.
So I’m going to learn more about fasting. I’m going to see if I can figure out how to free myself from this dieting rollercoaster I’ve been on all my life.
I have to do something. But I can’t do the same things I’ve always done. It just seems like a recipe for total, complete failure. Worse than failure. I know I’ll gain if I keep trying to diet the same way I’ve always dieted.
I’m 190 pounds. And still hopeful. How is that even possible?